The Irish Catholic upbringing in me shudders, but here it is: writing in from sketch comedy troupe The Waitstaff’s The Real Housewives of South Philly Play Match Game! is Jesus H. Christ, apparently sacrificing (I’m sorry.) his time to perform in this year’s Fringe, and to Vital Stat us. Thanks Jesus for this, and for…well, you know. After the jump.
Name: Jesus H. Christ.
Age: Math is hard. Plus, I always forget if B.C. ends on my birthday, or on Good Friday. Which, truth be told, wasn’t all that “good” from my point of view. And then there’s all those different calendars, Gregorian chants, Julian Lennon…let’s just say I’m well over two thousand years old.
Where were you born? Away in a manger.
Where do you live now? Well, usually, I art in Heaven. But for this show, I’m staying in South Philly, across the street from the Duchess, at her friend Angela’s house. It’s very nice, except there are way too many pictures of me. There’s one, in 3D, on black velvet, where I swear, the eyes follow you all around the room.
Show Title: Real Housewives of South Philly Play Match Game!
Explain your performance in 2 sentences. To an 8-year-old. It’s a game show where potty-mouthed grownups play Fill-in-the-Blank. For some reason, my name isn’t in the title.
Do you have children? That depends on who you read. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John aren’t the whole story, you know.
If so, do you love them? I’m Jesus; I love everybody.
What was your favorite toy as a kid? I had a little dreidel; I made it out of clay.
What do you love (or hate) most about Philadelphia audiences? I actually get a little nervous in front of crowds, so the Holy Ghost told me I should picture them naked. And because I’m, ya know, Jesus, I can see exactly what they look like. So there’s that.
What would you do if you just inherited a pizzeria? I’d probably do my loaves-and-fishes trick and turn it into a chain. I could really screw with Domino’s and Papa John’s and all of them…just randomly show up at peoples’ doors with the exact pizza they were thinking of, before they even called anyone.
Did you go to college or grad school? If so, where? I’m Jesus; I know everything. Why would I need to go to college? Although I did join a fraternity once, but Dad’s trying to get that hushed up. Speaking of knowing everything, I should point out that, in order for The Match Game to be fair, I have to turn off my Everything-Knower, so I may not always come off as one of the brightest celebrities.
Favorite coffee shop? Anywhere but Starbucks.
What do you order? Mocha Frappacino Latte, Creole Lady Marmalade. (That woulda been funnier if this were a live interview, because then you’d’ve heard me sing it.)
Marvel Comics, or DC? Can’t we all just get along?
What’s your favorite nickname for Philadelphia? Either “The City That Loves You (On Your) Back” or “The City of Brotherly Love Handles”.
What’s the worst piece of advice you ever received? Did you follow it? Didja know The Last Supper was a seder? My Last Supper, and I don’t even get to pick what to eat. Also, “there’s a thing in the future called a camera,” I said. “We’ll get a camera, and we’ll take a picture,” I said. These yutzes wanted a painting. Do you know how long we hadda sit there while that guy painted us? Genius, my ass!
What’s the most disgusting thing you’ve ever seen on SEPTA? A Romney-for-President button.
A doctor puts a scope inside your ear. What does she see? Strawberry fields forever. (Heh. I was singing again.)
Do you have relatives more famous than you? Well, duh. My Dad.
Real Housewives of South Philly Play Match Game! runs September 12, 14, 15, 19, 21, and 22 at 7:30 pm, September 12 and 19 at 9:30 pm, September 16 and 23 at 6:00 pm and 8:00 pm, at L’ Etage Cabaret, 624 South 6th Street. $15.